Author: Ryland Leyton

Welcome back to my continued discussion with my friend Tracy!

In part 1 of this article “Know Thyself”, in good times. (Part 1), I had lunch with my friend Tracy, who was giving us a lot of examples about how one aspect of emotional intelligence is shown in difficult moments.  She demonstrated the ability to understand her own feelings, act differently than she felt, and avoid “acting out” in ways that wouldn’t help her in the big picture.

Now, here in Part 2, I’m happy to tell you what happened after that.  As last time, note my comments about how she demonstrated emotional intelligence are in italics.  

FOUR WEEKS LATER

I had the guardedly happy experience of seeing Tracy again about a month later.  Same place.  

This time, she was there first – and she had the sunniest, happiest expression on her face!

I passed our server on the way in: “Hi Ryland!  Tracy already ordered.  You want your usual?”

“Yep! Thank you, I’ve been looking forward to it all week!”  (They make the best BBQ  burger there.  Yum.)

I sat down, gestured to Tracy’s expression, and said “You seem happy!  Do I need to check for a missing persons report about James?”

“No, you big jerk!”  We laughed.

“No,” she continued, “I actually couldn’t care less about what James does.  He’s just doing his job, and it is what leadership wants.  It really isn’t personal or about me.  I figured something out, and really, I just don’t care about that any more.  Well, not the same way as I did, anyway.”  She had a wistful, vaguely awkward tone in her voice.

>>Tracy is acknowledging a change in her feeling regarding James, and the situation which involved him.  She acknowledges that the feelings are inside her, and that James is not the “creator of her feelings”.  She is not fixated on how things were, or her perceptions and feelings in the past.  She is instead focused on how they are now, in the present.  

Now, she had my full attention.  I was looking really closely at her.  Matching her sudden calmness, I quietly asked her, “What happened?” and set down to wait until she was ready.  I knew she’d need a moment or two.

“It took me another two weeks from when we talked last time,” she said, waving a hand gently at the restaurant.  “I finally got out of my funk from my feelings of anger and loss, and I was still just turning the crank of my job. You know, getting things done, but I really didn’t care about my job, it was just a job now, not something I was passionate about any more.”  

We nodded together in mutual understanding.  I’ve been there once or twice as well.  Sometimes you just have to wait for things to change again.

“Well,” she continued, “a while after that I noticed I had somehow gotten lively about my work again.  I was engaged, doing a lot of problem solving, calling my colleagues, ticking off tasks…you know, like you said when we worked together: kickin’ butt, takin’ names, getting’ stuff done, dammit! ”  

>>Tracy had observed how her feelings had changed for the better.  She was glad to see it, and found it surprising, as she did not immediately understand why she felt differently.  

I laughed, she smiled.  Tracy in “project mode” can be a well-intentioned force of nature.  It used to be more of a blunt instrument…she has learned with time and practice when to use this strength as a chainsaw, and when to use it more as a scalpel.

“I get it.  It sounds like a big change.  I’m happy for you!  So, enough with the buildup! What happened, already?”

“Okay, okay.  Also, here’s your burger,” alerting me to a plate arriving over my shoulder, just as hers landed as well.

Good, I was getting hungry.  A hungry Ryland is not a patient Ryland, either.

She continued, “I realized that I had mis-identified my passion about the COE, and some of the other stuff.  Yes, I’m angry, and I had a lot of feelings of loss, and like I said about being hurt, and I’d built all that and I definitely didn’t like having to stop that.  Not fun at all.“Ryland, I have to say this carefully.  It’s hard to explain.”

She paused to think, and chewed a few bites of her salad.  I knew enough to stay quiet.

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She continued: “I’ve discovered that I started loving my work again…because I am performing an act of service in the course of my work.”

>>By applying continued attention Tracy was able to identify the reason for her restored happy feelings about work.  She is able to identify that the COE was a means to an end, and not an end in itself.  It was the vehicle through which she worked on her passion, and there are other ways in which to do that.

I remained quiet.  She took another bite, chewed, and continued.

“This team needs me.  They’re tremendous technical professionals in their fields.  Rockstar performers, workhorses, all of them.  Developers, QA, BA, architects, net-ops, just great, every one of them.

“They are, however, drowning in additional, unplanned, not always-needed extra work and nobody is helping them keep focus and be successful at the actual work that the project needs accomplished.  That’s where I come in, and what I’ve been doing.”

I asked her, “Tracy, am I missing something?  Isn’t that just what a PM does?  Isn’t that just the crank-turning you were talking about last time?”

“Yes and no.  Yes, it’s a core skill of mine, right?”  I nodded yes, of course it is, she’s great at keeping teams focused and on track.  Old hat for her, no big deal, does it all the time, barely an inconvenience.

“Sure, it’s a simple thing for me, right?  I actually just got drawn into it because it’s like breathing,” she shrugged, “it was obvious, so I did it.  Without thinking, really.  No big deal, it’s just PM stuff, it’s what we PM’s do.”   

Another moment for salad and chewing, then she continued, still looking at the greens on her plate.

“They acted like it was manna from heaven. Nobody had been running interference for them before.  Nobody on the team knew how to do it.”

She looked back up and across to me, putting her fork down and raising her gently closed hand.

“I’m finding I’m happy because,” one finger went up, “I am making a contribution that I know is valuable to the team”.

Next finger, “I am getting to build the skills of others, which you know is something I like and find very rewarding.” 

“Lastly,” her third finger went up, “…and I think this is the most important thing…I genuinely feel that I am performing an act of genuine service to the people on the team.”

>>Tracy always knew that helping people is important to her, but through this experience has learned new depth about her own motivations. Helping, teaching, coaching…these are all aspects of a bigger and more powerful thing for her: performing a valuable and meaningful act of service to others.

As I had a mouthful of BBQ, I invited her to continue with a raised eyebrow.

“Sure the work is getting done…but the team is happier, the work is smoother, and we are really making progress on the work.  And, I’m making sure that I’m not just doing this stuff, I’m showing them how to do it!  I’m helping them grow as professionals, on a frequent basis.  I’m challenging them to improve and grow.

“It’s the kind of thing I did with the COE…but I didn’t realize that the COE was a vehicle for the thing I really love, which is performing what I see as acts of service to assist people with professional growth.”  She stopped, sheepishly smiling.  “I’m glad about it, and it has let me let go of the COE stuff completely.  That’s not my problem.  Oh, I don’t want to see my work wasted there – that was a lot of work!  But, you know, leadership does what it does…  Right now, I have something really important that I didn’t know was so critical to my ability to function: I know what act of service I am performing, who I’m helping, right now, and I can be OK with that.  It’s why I’m loving my work again!”

“Tracy, I am so happy for you!  Not only about work – I’m glad you don’t hate it and aren’t feeling bored any more – but discovering something new about what is important to you!  That’s such a big deal!”

“Yes.  After I’ve got stuff ironed out with the team and working really well, I’m going to start thinking about what this means for future positions.”

>>Tracy is taking this new insight and new understanding about what makes her happy and revisiting her career goals and options.  How might this insight about the importance of “acts of service” change the jobs she applies for, roles she wants to have, or how she approaches her work?

What did we learn from Tracy about using emotional intelligence for happiness?

After a period of adjustment, Tracy had found herself surprised at becoming so reengaged at work.  She spent some time figuring that out.  It led her to a new level of understanding about her own motivations and interests, and opened other doors for her about professional happiness and interests.  

Now that she has identified “service” as something personally meaningful to her, how might this change her views of different positions?  Here are some potentials in that area:

• It is possible she might look for jobs where she understands the difference she makes to people.  
• She might turn down positions that have no significant “service” aspect to them, as she herself defines “service”.
• She may look for positions that emphasize the service aspect of leadership or mentoring.  
• She might ask potential employers about their views of growth and development of teams and abilities.  This could let her assess the alignment of her values with values of a prospective employer.
• She may cast a broader net – far outside I.T. and project management! – where she can have new and interesting experiences with regards to serving others.  Nonprofit and government sectors might be more interesting to her now.

Applying this aspect to your own life

As in part 1 of this article, permit me to ask you to consider these questions for yourself, and suggest that you discuss your answers with a trusted mentor or friend.

• What motivates you?  What is the highest, best, and most valuable thing you can do when you act from that motivation?
• When do you feel most strong, happy, and engaged in your professional life? 
• What possible “bigger motivations” or “evolution” of your earlier answers might be possible for you?   
• What experiences could foster growth and development for you around your most important interests?
• How could you gain more knowledge about what you find engaging and important to you?  

“Emotional Intelligence” (EI) is one of those things we hear about a lot at the workplace. 

If you keep up on articles and business sites you’ll see things pop-up perennially about how it is the single most important ability you’ll have, or how every effective leader has tremendous EI, or an article titled “ten things to do to improve your emotional intelligence”.

I think it can be hard to see how this matters in the real world because we wrap all of this up in a sterile, academic term, “emotional intelligence”, which covers a lot of ground.

If we were just talking casually we might include a lot of things under this umbrella, such as empathy, self-awareness, self-management, compassion for self and others, the ability to encourage, to exert self-control in difficult times, and possibly even demonstrate gratitude.  

Some people also call this “adulting”.

I learned an EI-related lesson which I’ve had a hard time putting into words, but here it is:

“The only thing you ever really control in a room is your own behavior.”

What I mean by that is that you can control what you say, and what you do.  You can’t control anything else, about anyone else.  You can influence others through your behavior, but that isn’t control.

To bring the best of yourself to the table, you need to understand why you say what you say, and why you do what you do.  That understanding of self is a form of EI.

I had an episode with a colleague of mine lately that I realized is a good example of several moments of EI in the workplace.  I’m going to relate it to you here.  As you read this, note that my “EI comments” are in italics, and presented for your consideration.

My good friend Tracy, and her no-good, very-bad day at work.

Tracy is a friend I used to work with “back in the day”.  Currently, she was a senior project manager at a software company, and had been there for about 5 years.  When last I’d heard, she loved her job and found it very satisfying. 

We meet for a bite now and then and catch up on work, life, and you know, everything.  It had been a while since we last met!  

Last Tuesday was one of those times, and I had been looking forward to it since we had set it up a couple of weeks before.   I arrived at our favorite eatery a few minutes early and sat down facing the door so I wouldn’t miss her.  

Tracy swept in like a stormcloud and landed hard into the chair opposite me.

“You will not believe what has been going on the last couple of months.” she started right in.  

“We had a reorg about 8 weeks ago.  Nothing I’m doing is the same.  Oh, I’m still a senior project manager – I’m not losing my job or anything.  However, I have a new boss, new team, different responsibilities…and even more, everything I have done up to now is somehow wrong.”

“Wrong?  How?!?!”

“You know how I used to be the senior PM?  I worked with the COE [center of excellence] to onboard new folks, orient them to our processes, get them started & then help keep things running smoothly?  No more.  That responsibility is now with a new manager.”

“That seems strange.”

“Yeah, to me too.  But, that’s how leadership wants it.  I think the words ‘shake things up’ were used.  Nothing specific, no criticism was implied.  I’m not demoted or my pay cut or anything like that.  In fact our VP made a small mention of ‘we appreciate how far you’ve taken this already’…and then the work was given to someone else.”

>>Tracy clearly knows she is angry and hurt.  She feels let down.  She is acknowledging her feelings and also that she has not been actually financially or physically harmed.  She is showing understanding that, so far, this change should not be interpreted as personal criticism of her performance.  The situation genuinely may be “not about her”.

“So what are you doing?”

“Well, I’m assigned to project work now.  I’m the project manager for the Merlot project.  It’s important, and it has a lot of chaos from a few directions.  It can benefit from my help, you know how I’ve handled that kind of situation before.  But…frankly…working on the COE is what I loved doing.”

“Yes!  You’ve always loved bringing new folks in, onboarding newbies, and that COE has been your baby for a long time.  Most of the PMO loved the work you did there, you told me all about it.”

“Right!  Everyone in management felt the changes we had implemented made the work smoother, more effective, even faster.  I hate losing it.  But it gets worse.”

“…Worse?  But…?”

“I’ve been told to stop supporting the new folks, the junior ones.  I am to direct them to the new COE owner, and stay out of it unless that manager asks for my help.”

I was really, really floored.  Tracy had been commended for her work with junior professionals.  She loved that kind of work.

“Tracy, I’m so sorry.  This sounds really unfair.”

“It feels that way.  I don’t get it, but I also don’t want to be ‘that resisting person’, like my way is the only way.  The person they’ve given the work to – James – has new ideas, and just like mine were, they could be new and helpful to others as well.  I don’t want to be resistive – or be perceived as sabotaging or fighting the organization!  So, I’m just trying to roll with it.  I have to tell you, it’s been about 8 weeks, and it’s hard.  I have had to turn away people I used to support, direct them to James, and not give them advice.  My boss has told me that this is James’ work, and I have to keep out of it unless he asks for my involvement.”

>>Tracy has identified that her feelings about work are really negative, right now. She acknowledges that her actions will be evaluated by others and she has to separate her feelings from her actions.  Not doing so could come back to her and impact her job, and/or career. 

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“So…how are you?”

Tracy paused, looking for words.  

“I’ve been trying to figure that out!” she took a deep breath, held it a moment, and exhaled.  “Hurt?  Almost wounded a little.  I have to admit I’m a little lost…I go to work, I have a bunch of strictly project-related stuff to do.  I do it, get the work done, involve the right people but….”

“But what?”

“I’m just kind-of turning the crank, you know?” she said, gesturing grasping a handle and turning a gear.  “It’s project work.  I’ve done it before, I’m good at it. It gets done.  It has value, there’s nothing wrong with it.  I just…don’t care about it.  I’ve climbed this hill before, you know?  Run complex projects, difficult work, groundbreaking stuff, like when we worked together.  The COE work is something I loved doing.  I’d built up to it for a long time.  I felt I’d earned it and I’d been validated that I was doing it well.  Now, with it taken away…well, this is a job I’ve done before.  Literally been there, done that, got the ‘project-launch-tee-shirt’.”  

I actually knew the one she was talking about: they did give out tee-shirts at the end.  It was a hard project, people kept them.  They were a nice cotton, too. 

“You sound really down.”

“I am!  I used to love my work – you know, like you talk about people doing – and now…to go from that, to a ‘demotion in place’, just doing things I’ve done a ton of times before.  I’m disengaged, I get my work done in about half my day, and all the things I could take on from there I don’t because I’ve been told to let James do them.  I’m not going to go around and just “create work” for the sake of it!”

>>Tracy acknowledges feelings of loss and disengagement.  She doesn’t want this to cause her to unconsciously act out badly.  She wants to avoid appearing like she’s (1) not following instructions or (2) making up things to look busy.  She is managing her behaviors in the light of her difficult feelings.  She is avoiding creating negative perceptions of herself by others.

“Are they trying to make you quit?”

“I’m a little bored…but no, I just think right now I’m in that rough spot where I have enough spare time to be bored…but not enough to take on another project in any meaningful way.  If I did, my main one would suffer. Normally I’d think about what I could do with the COE, or help our newest PM’s…but like I said…”

>>Tracy has some worries about being bored, and knows this is a hot-button issue for her personally.  She is avoiding letting those feelings drive her to actions which will not help her.

“Yeah, if you do that, you could be perceived as trying to undermine James.”

“Yes.  I offered to help, but he has let me know, politely, that he’ll call me if he needs me.  Whatever!” She threw her hands up, and exhaled again.  “I’m just remembering things change.  I have to let this run its course, float down the river with it, and see where it goes.  Again, it’s not like the paycheck stopped clearing, and I’m not throwing out five years with this company over a @#$%# re-org!”

>>Demonstrating very active self-management, understanding that this situation could change in the future, and not sacrificing her long-term investment over short-term frustration.

We shared a smile, and I said “Yeah, sometimes adulting is really annoying.”

“I know! Right?!?!”

What did Tracy demonstrate about using emotional intelligence to self-manage?

Tracy just had a project where she had invested years, very personally and importantly, taken away from her.  It put her in a difficult position – one where if she handled it badly, she might limit her career options with this company!  

Tracy demonstrated a very strong level of emotional intelligence:

• Able to name her feelings. (Sad, angry, hurt, mistreated.)
• Able to accurately assert why she feels the way she feels. (No longer working in “passion”, loss of COE and mentoring responsibilities.)
• Able to appropriately separate her actions from her feelings, when needed.  (Did not act out at others due to her own feelings; did not sacrifice her 5-year investment over this change.)
• Able to self-soothe and keep perspective.  (Sought help from others, understands this may not actually be personally about her or her performance, exerting her own patience to see what changes next.)

Much of our conversation today has been about how Tracy managed herself through trouble.   Next time, we’ll pick up with Tracy a few weeks later and have a conversation about how another aspect of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to guide and manage your own growth and development.

In the meantime, ask yourself these questions as a learning experience.  I encourage you to write some notes about your answers, and then review them with a trusted friend or professional mentor.

• What do I do when I’m hurt?  
• What are my reactions – good and bad – when I’m under stress?
• What causes me to experience stress?  Are there any consistent patterns I can identify?
• How good am I at deferring action so I am not overly reactive?  So that I avoid acting against my own interests?
• Do I have an accurate picture of how other people perceive me?  
• Do I know what motivates me at work, and what I am passionate about?